Your presence is requested for a special party with the president, er, ex-president

Check out this article (and photo) about the president of Iowa Central Community College who resigned after the local paper published a photo of him helping a young woman empty the contents of a mini keg.

This is the true reason to work in higher education – free flowing beer, weekend parties, young co-eds, and a $400,000 severance package for “reflecting the college poorly.”

I wish my college-town paper would have published photos of me! I reflected the university very poorly on many, many occasions. With a deal like that I could have been even better at it. Just goes to show you that what you do in your personal time does matter.

How great are the headlines today? One guy likes to party, another likes to have sex, seems like the media is making a big deal of just being a guy. That’s why I choose to drink alone and have sex, er, alone.

Hi, I'm David, and I'm a sex addict

Actor David Duchovny of X-Files fame voluntarily admitted himself to rehab for sex addiction. Have you seen his wife, actress Tea Leoni (see photo!)? Who wouldn’t be addicted. However, there’s probably a lot more to this than they are letting out. I’m guessing loads of porn, web sites and call girls. But he could also be conducting research for his show “Californication,” where he plays a sex-crazed novelist.

All I know is that I haven’t see him in Denver at the Democratic convention, but every time I have tried to schedule an escort some guy named Mulder has them all booked for the week!

How to improve the Macy’s parades

Finally, someone has discovered the way to increase viewers for the nationally televised Macy’s parades.

In case you missed it, the “Boobs on Bikes” parade hit the streets of Auckland, New Zealand last Wednesday. The parade featured leather-clad and topless porn stars (both local and international) riding motorcycles.

Of course, the city council tried to stop it due to offensiveness, but a judge let the show go on because 80,000 people attended last year’s event, showing that a significant number of people were not offended.

What? Boobies bring a crowd! No way.

In the words of SNL character Abe Scheinwald, “Double Ds, double dese (dollars).”

I think Macy’s may be able to draw huge crowds by showing off some skin blimps.

I’m too sexy for my habit

If you’re into nuns, beauty pageants or both, be sure to check out Rev. Antonio Rungi’s blog beginning this September. The Italian priest and school teacher is launching the “Miss Sister 2008” online pageant as an opportunity to showcase nuns from around the world. With this pageant, he hopes to fight the stereotype that most people have for nuns.

Don’t expect bikini-clad twentysomethings or a horrible question and answer session. Instead the site will include nun profiles and a photograph, in which the sisters can choose to wear a veil or nothing at all (on their head).

Who says Catholics have lost touch?

Now something needs to be done about that pesky stereotype on priests. That guy knows where I’m going.

See the story here.

And the No. 1 Mom for 2008 is . . .

With a little more than four months to go in the Lord’s year of 2008, I think we’ve already found the winner of the year’s No. 1 Mom, that is if No. 1 means suckiest.

Straight out of San Antonio, a 25-year-old woman and her 40-year-old married boyfriend were accused of trying to sell her 5-year-old daughter for sex in trade for an apartment, used car, child care for her 10-month-old daughter.

In addition to this fantastic plan, the Cheescake Factory love story (she was a waitress and he was a bartender) was planning to kidnap, rape and “carve up” a teenage runaway. Stay classy San Antonio.

The married boyfriend will probably be losing his “Best Husband” mug as his wife filed for divorce on Friday – this is one hell of a way to find out your husband is cheating on you. He may be able to reconcile though as his attorney is trying to get him off the hook due to a “lack of evidence.”

Fox News has the story.

Coming soon to a bookstore near you: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Avoiding Arrest

Some ideas just seem better when you’re stoned. Read this story about a guy who tried to jump from a bridge in order to avoid being arrested. Apparently, he was listening to Tom Petty’s Freefalling . . . for a second anyway, until he landed.

The absolute worst way to die? . . . Explosive diarrhea.

According to this news brief out of Tulsa, Okla., around 30 people have been treated in area hospitals after eating in an area restaurant (it was not named) and one person has died. A hospital spokesperson has said that “the illnesses are a very severe and bloody form of diarrhea.”

The Oklahoma State Dept. of Health is looking into the possibility of E. coli.

Death = Not funny

Spray farts = Funny

Spray farts + Death = A sh*tty job for the mortician (pun intended).

So, so Jailified or Do you have Da Captain in you?

Rapper Da Brat (or as I like to call Da Brat-a-tat-tat) was sentenced to three years in prison today for crackin’ an Atlanta Falcons cheerleader in the head with an almost full bottle of rum at a 2007 Halloween party.

As if the getting hit in the cranium with a full bottle of liquor wasn’t enough, the cheerleader fell down a flight of stairs to a cement floor after being hit. Other than a “severe facial scar” and a lot of embarrassment the cheerleader is okay now.

Read the story here.

Interested in prostitution? Work a political convention.

Here’s some breaking news – politicians like hookers.

According to this ABC News article, experts believe that the sex trade in Denver and Minneapolis will be booming during the political conventions that are scheduled to be held there. In fact, pimps and madams are trying to recruit employees by posting ads on Craig’s list!

Gonna be in Denver or Minneapolis during the same time as the conventions? Don’t plan on any special rates if you’re interested into giving to the sex-trade industry, unless of course you can provide proof of membership to one of the parties.

You’ve gotta love articles like this for bringing attention to little known organizations, such as Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics (COYOTE), a sex-workers right’s group out of San Francisco. You think they would have chosen a different name in order to have a better acronym. Do sex-workers really want to be associated with a group called COYOTE? Not if they are already coyote ugly. How about Sex Workers International Needs Group (SWING)! – Whoomp, there it is. Called it!

Nancy Drew was kinda hot, but these teen sleuths may be questionable

Nancy Drew was kinda hot, but these teen sleuths may be questionable
At least on the cover art Nancy was hot. I know, I know, fictional character, but so is Jessica Rabbit – and she’s hot!

So, two New York City teenage girls recently used DNA testing to find that nearly 25 percent of fish sold in NYC stores and restaurants are incorrectly labeled and priced. For example, an establishment offering Mediterranean Red Mullet actually had Spotted Goatfish (that just sounds gross). There is still no clue whether this mix up is due to deception from the stores/restaurants or the suppliers.

This testing “was the first known student use of DNA barcoding technology in a public market.” This isn’t surprising considering most teenagers would never be caught dead doing something so dull, at least for free. And boys are too busy thinking about how to spread or spill their DNA than test it! If these smart girls are “beauty disadvantaged” I know a place in Australia that they can go (a callback to yesterday’s post). Yes, I know that not all smart girls are ugly and not all pretty girls are dumb.

A reenactment:

“Gee, Gina. It’s Friday night, whaddya’ wanna do?”
“Pillow fight?”
“No.”
“Makeover?”
“No.”
“I know, let’s go to our favorite sushi place and do some DNA barcoding!”
“Yay, I hoped you’d say that. We’re such BFFs!”

See the full article here.

(Editor’s Note: Looking back on it now, it is pretty cool! Good job girls. But I would have dogged you A LOT in high school, and I wasn’t that awesome – as compared to now.)

The right way to celebrate your 37th birthday

A woman in Milwaukee celebrated her 37th birthday by driving the getaway car while her 17-year-old son robbed two gas stations. Her son was in town from Chicago to help her celebrate. The kicker? Her other three children were in the car with her!

They probably would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky kids and that car.

See the article here.

If your ugly and you know it clap your hands . . . or visit Australia

On August 18, the mayor of Mount Isa, a small mining town in Australia, made a suggestion that “beauty-disadvantaged” women may be able to find a man by visiting or relocating there. The great mayor cited the town’s male-to-female ratio of 5:1 as an “opportunity” for lonely women.

In regard to the happiness that Mount Isa provides, he also made the comment, “Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face.”

His comments have pissed off the town’s women and some of the men. My guess is that the men wanted the suggestion to be more descriptive by calling for women who are “beauty-disadvantaged with relaxed sexual morals.”

See the story here

.

But I couldn’t afford the rufies, too

A 21-year-old Englewood, New Jersey, man was charged with making a false report about a gas station robbery (Englewood, Englewood is always up to no good). He made the call because the gas station’s clerk would not let him return an unused box of condoms. No, seriously – the story is here.

Who tries to return condoms? Didn’t he know you could get them for free at a clinic? This guy has some serious balls though. He was determined to try to return a 3-pack of unopened gas station rubbers, proving that his game is seriously off. If it’s that bad, he should have spent 50 cents for ONE condom out of the machine in the bathroom. Of course, he couldn’t have returned that one either.

A penny saved is a penny earned . . . by growing your own

Idiot. Genius. Entrepreneur. Call him what you want, but pothead John Daniel Miller III of Tyler, Texas, is just one of the many Americans trying to cut expenses in an inflating economy while still supporting their habits!

Miller (the third, a.k.a fancy pants) was arrested on August 18 when deputies confiscated more than 70 marijuana plants (valued at around $100,000) from his rural home. This budget-minded home gardener had landscaped his yard with the plants by encircling them in old tires and lining his driveway! Why? Because the cost of weed had gone up – apparently gas prices really are affecting EVERYTHING.

Too bad dealers don’t offer specials or coupons . . . but then they’d have to give receipts. Wait, they do give receipts – according to Whitney “Show me the Receipts” Houston.

What’s next? Hopefully, HGTV will show us all how the proper placement of marijuana plants can help liven up a homes exterior on “Hidden POTential.“

Read the story here.